An Open Letter to the Vancouver Canucks

Enough is enough.

At what point will you take responsibility for the damage you have done to our proud sport? How is it that one team can be so insufferable in every way, that someone who prides himself on his grasp of the English language and his ability to coherently express his thoughts through his writing was rendered speechless by two and a half playoff hockey games?

There is absolutely nothing about your organization that you have a right to be proud of. Your fanbase is quick to call the Kings a team who has accomplished nothing while a grand total of zero Stanley Cup banners hang from your rafters, replaced instead by Roberto Luongo’s jock, which has yet to be retrieved from the ceiling following his hilarious performance in game 7 of last year’s Cup finals.

In a sport which is touted by its proud fans as the toughest sport to play, a sport characterized by such pride that any injury which lacks blood, broken bones, concussions or a torn anything wouldn’t even faze even the most pedestrian of participants, your team has become synonymous with countless acting performances worthy of Academy Awards for best supporting actor (only Alexandre Burrows and the Sedins could be considered lead actors, and it would be the only time Henrik Sedin has been able to be a leader in any category.)

And it isn’t even simply the diving, embellishing and absolutely disgraceful faking of injuries that has turned every other Canadian against you.

It’s the combination of the fact that any contact of an opponent’s stick to your shins becomes a trip, yet your elbows fly faster than Tony Jaa, and your fanbase finds no fault in your ridiculous interpretation of how hockey should work.

It’s that you believe that Burrows (finally) being called for a diving call is a conspiracy against your team.

It’s that when Brad Marchand goes low on your guy, he ought to be booted from the league, but when Sami Salo commits an identical offense less than two minutes previous, it was a clean hit.

It’s that Jim Hughson pumps up tires more than my local mechanic.

It’s that your city looked like New Orleans circa 2006 after your team lost a hockey game.

It’s that 40 years of futility somehow granted you some sense of entitlement that makes fans of the other 29 NHL teams just laugh at you.

It’s the fact that your incredulous fans shout “Luuuu!” after a shot goes ten feet wide.

It’s because of everything that @LOLVancouver has retweeted.

It’s because after you lost game one because of multiple delay of game, over the glass penalties, your team thinks that a deflection over the glass ought to grant you a powerplay.

It’s that even Mike Milbury cannot vilify the same Dustin Brown that your entire city wants suspended.

I feel that your list of offenses is long, even if the one presented to you here now is nowhere near exhaustive.

You are a joke. You are the worst.

Enough is enough.